My 8-Bits: No love for the One Glove Club

During a scene in the The Wizard, Fred Savage’s character is shaking in his boots when Lucas, the sunglasses and trench coat-wearing archrival of the Nintendo gaming world, unveils the Power Glove from its custom made carrying case. As he slides it on his hand and squeezes his fist, he says, “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.” If not for this "cooler than thou" Power Glove endorsement in what is basically a feature length commercial for Nintendo, no one would even remember this excessive gaming accessory. Lucas does have one thing right about the Power Glove, It’s so bad.

The Power Glove promises to “take you to a new dimension in game play; a dimension that puts amazing power right into your hand.” The only “new dimension” the Power Glove takes you to is one where you look like an idiot, unless you’re already in that dimension. Mattel released the Power Glove in 1989 coincidentally the same year The Wizard was released in theaters. The controller accessory is an actual glove plugged into the Nintendo Control Deck with a sensor included to set up around your television screen. The movements made by your gloved hand manipulate actions of the character in the game. Sounds like an exciting new way to play Nintendo, doesn’t it? Due to a myriad of overly complex features, The Power Glove makes for a better fashion accessory than a Nintendo gaming accessory.

A 35-page booklet accompanies the Power Glove explaining how to get it set up. Hopefully, you’ll have the patience to realize you wasted your time after you’ve played with the Power Glove and not while you’re assembling it. After you’ve connected the sensor tubes, positioned them properly on your television, plugged them into your Control Deck, attached your Power Glove into the junction box, plugged the junction box into both the Control Deck and the sensor tubes, calibrated the Power Glove to fit your hand, centered the Power Glove to the middle of your television screen, programmed the appropriate code into Power Glove based on what game is played, and positioned yourself in the “sensing zone,” you’re ready to play. Now doesn’t that sound like a process you’d like to go through every time you want to use the Power Glove? Think of it like an intricate Japanese tea ceremony where every step in the process becomes an art form in itself.

The idea of actual hand movement affecting in-game action is exciting, but impractical in application or at the very least ridiculous.

Memorizing the various hand movements required by each game is annoying in itself, not to mention the accuracy at which the hand movements must be performed. After using the Power Glove for a single round of boxing with Glass Joe in Punch-Out!!, my arm got tired from swinging it in the air to simulate the repetitive punching movement required by the program. It would’ve helped if they offered a left-handed Power Glove, but 1989 was a less tolerant time for lefties. For a driving game like Rad Racer, moving your Power-Gloved hand as if you’re turning a steering wheel causes the car to turn and for a flight simulator game like Top Gun, your hand mimics the movement of the plane. Understand that all the while these gestures are being made, your hand and arm must remain level at 180 degrees, so there’s no chance of you looking cool while using the Power Glove unless you’re wearing sunglasses, a black trench coat and it’s 1989. If you still want to try out the Power Glove, it’s recommended you play alone in a dark room where no one can see you.

My 8-Bits: The power of cute compels you

Cuteness is a science of survival. By possessing the qualities of cuteness, an organism like the puppy is granted a distinct advantage over less attractive animals like the filthy sewer rat or annoying street pigeon. In addition to puppies, kittens, bunny rabbits, monkeys and babies also enjoy the perks of being cute. Not only are they electromagnets for nurturing and cooing affection, but cuteness also keeps people from eating them. These animals have what are called the “cute protein,” and have a very slim chance of ending up on the typical North American dinner table. Large eyes, rounded disproportioned bodies, and a harmless demeanor are the calling cards of cute. While these attributes are survival tools in nature, they also apply to survival in mass marketing.

Sanrio, the company who introduced Hello Kitty to the world, capitalized on these cute signifiers and became the forerunners of the “culture of cute,” a phenomenon that grew up in Japan during the 70s and 80s and then spread like a pink venereal disease across the globe. Without a doubt, cute sells, and no other company has bottled it and distributed it to the public like Nintendo has. From Yoshi to the hordes of screaming Pokémon and Pikmin flower people, Nintendo has often been chastised for pushing the “cute card” once too often. Ever since 8 bit, cuteness has found a place in the videogame world, and it hasn’t left since. Strap on your barf bags, thing are about to get super sweet.

What’s cuter than a chubby snowtoddler in OshKosh B’Gosh and earmuffs? In Kickle Cubicle, a puzzle game about turning cute little monsters into ice cubes, our pint-sized hero Kickle must collect all of the dream bags so he can save the frozen inhabitants of the Fantasy Kingdom. He travels by red balloon to various islands, eats popsicles and converses with talking food. Can you handle that kind of intensity? Surprisingly addictive, you’ll question how you could put up with the saccharine levels for so long when you’re up against the giant chicken with the eye patch.

Scientifically proven to be the second cutest bird in existence besides the puffin, the cuteness of the kiwi is paid homage to in Kiwi Kraze, an insane platform game that will take you on a surreal tour of New Zealand’s zoos in an attempt to rescue your kiwi kin from an evil walrus. The bow and arrow, laser gun and cherry bomb are the weapons of your sneaker-wearing kiwi warrior. Teddy bears in sunglasses will pursue you on floating cow heads while you hop through Technicolor Teletubbies landscapes. Kiwi Kraze, makes New Zealand look like a Saturday morning acid trip.

Lastly, we have the pink puff who made eating disorders endearing. On account of his ability to inhale his enemies, Kirby shares his name with a famous vacuum brand. By sucking up everything in sight, Kirby’s task is to return dreams to the sleepy citizens of Dream Land by rescuing the Dream Rod from the clutches of King Dedede, a duck with a redundant name. In addition to anything that moves, Kirby also consumes lollipops, ice cream, microphones and the hearts of NES players. The next time you bite into a pink Hostess Snowball, pretend you’re eating Kirby. The role reversal will taste great.

Japan’s national motto should be, “we didn’t invent cute, we just made it cuter.” The country’s cuteness per capita is reaching new levels everyday with no end in sight. If cute ain’t your thing, build a bunker and watch the heart surgery channel; cute is here to stay.

My 8-Bits: Dr. Mario perscribes pills, ills

As early as kindergarten, we were taught the difference between candy and pills. Although their colorful capsules were enticing, they were not to be eaten unless prescribed to you by your doctor. But the way Dr. Mario prescribes them, Soma might as well be Smarties. Dr. Mario says pills are good for you so they must be, right? Well, down the hatch.

In Dr. Mario, a variety of pills are at the good doctor's disposal in his crusade against the little nastys that ail us. Red pills kill red viruses, blue pills kill blue viruses, and yellow pills kill yellow viruses. The red and blue viruses can seen dancing under the magnifying lens taunting the falling capsules, but the yellow virus marches instead. He's all business. The prescription medication industry is all business, too.

Thanks to the billions and billions the drug manufacturing industry spends annually peddling their colored capsules and pills to physicians and patients alike, pharmaceutical companies like Eli Lilly and Co. earned as much as 13.8 trillion dollars in drug sales last year. If supply and demand justifies the amount of Prozac, Zyprexa, Zoloft, and Paxil sold yearly, depression is sweeping this country like a pop sensation. Can that many people really be depressed? The Journal of the American Medical Association indicates that up to 80 percent of anti-depressant prescriptions are issued to people who aren't actually clinically depressed. After the animated commercial featuring the sadly cute egg who no longer enjoys butterflies, you're encouraged to "ask your doctor if Zoloft is right for you." This is your doctor's cue to say, "Yes. Yes it is."

While it cost billions to invent a new drug, it costs little to produce it which encourages aggressive drug promotions in the hopes of beefing up sales volume. Free lunches for doctors care of drug representatives lead to free samples. From the number of capsules that pass through Dr. Mario's gloved hands, he must have every drug sponsor from Abilify to Zovirax filling his pill jar. White gloves hide dirty hands.

Each level in Dr. Mario means more viruses and thus more pills required to kill off the infection. But, could it be the pills themselves spurring the infectious growth? When wrongly prescribed, antibiotics kill off weaker bacteria in the body allowing stronger ones to survive and carry on their resistant genes. This can make the treatment of future bacterial infections difficult if not fatal. If Dr. Mario isn't more careful with his prescription pen, he'll have a hand in creating a "super bug" immune to everything medical science has mustered so far. Take two pills and it's game over in the morning.

My 8-Bits: No love for Luigi in Mario Land

The day Mario emerged from the warp zone that was his mother's loins, the world rejoiced. Not too long after, his brother Luigi crawled out from the same pipe, but everyone's praise was already spent on the bambino in the red cap. Was Luigi just an afterthought brought into this world to be player two? Luigi might be the taller of the Super Mario Brothers, but he's spent his life standing in his brother's shadow.

Luigi never has the chance to develop his own identity. His full name is Luigi Mario so he can't even fill out a credit card application without being reminded of his brother. Mario must be awfully full of himself to think he's so nice he ought to be named twice. Mahi mahi and kooskoos are the only things that should be named twice. Otherwise, it's just redundant.

Luigi can always change his last name, but that wouldn't change his brother's "It's-a me, Mario!" attitude. By birthright, Mario is player one and given all the perks of the first born. Player one always gets to go first and has complete control over the pause button. Pausing the game when player two is about to jump over a huge pit is a good way to keep Luigi from passing up his brother. This also puts player two in the sorry situation of having to ask player one to pause the game for bathroom breaks. Denying bathroom privileges is another way Mario keeps the green brother down.

With each sequel in the Super Mario Brothers series, it's obvious Nintendo made attempts to swing the spotlight Luigi's way. Super Mario Bros. 2 was a single player game where you could choose to be Mario or Luigi. Luigi can totally out-jump his stumpy brother with his insane hang time, but at the end we find out the whole game was just Mario's dream. It bet it would've been his nightmare if Luigi got the chance to 1-up his older brother. In Super Mario Bros. 3, the game forces Mario and Luigi to take turns after completing each stage. This is a good move toward brotherly equality, but doesn't Luigi deserve retribution for all the second fiddles he's played?

Mario is Missing! (released for Nintendo and Super Nintendo) was an attempt not only give Luigi a starring role, but also to educate. The premise was a rip-off of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? with saving Mario from Bowser as the end goal. So Luigi finally gets his own game and he spends the entire time globetrotting in search of his fatso brother? This just proves he can't function outside of a two-player relationship. To say the least this educational game was met with gamefaqs.com reviews like, "Most boring game of all time," and "An experience that should not be remembered." Mario Teaches Typing made this game look like goomba guano.

Even though Luigi was born with player two's controller in his hands, he doesn't have to be a plumber just like his brother. Luigi should pursue goals that won't be overshadowed by Mario's successes. Basketball goals perhaps? Princess Toadstool would go for a 6'2" pro-baller over a stocky plumber any day.

The Lost Wes Anderson Soundtrack

Perry Bible Fellowship's Nick Gurewitch put together a score for a made up Wes Anderson movie! The feeling is authentic; you can imagine a meticulously organized set full of analog A/V equipment, hand drawn maps and self important characters delivering potent quotables. Read the full post for an interview with Nick and streaming audio of the tracks. This score makes me want to watch Rushmore again. I was 15 when Rushmore came out in theaters; I watched it five times and got the soundtrack on cassette to jam in the horrendous Pontiac Sunbird I drove around Lake Jackson. The Hastings in my town didn't have the CD is stock, so I waited 4 weeks with the tape. Good movies and music are important when you live in a small town - with the foremost desire to do nothing more than drive, drive, drive the fuck away to somewhere else.

Magic Lantern: ubik's "voxel"

Voxel from Ubik on Vimeo.

My 8-Bits: Damsel not worth loss of life, job

How many times has Mario leaped through literal hoops of fire attempting to rescue Princess Toadstool just to hear, "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" What a tease. Mario can't expect this long distance relationship to work out if Princess isn't willing to make the effort to avoid getting kidnapped by Bowser every sequel. That girl is high maintenance. Even if Mario is only a plumber, Princess Toadstool shouldn't have to victimize herself to validate their unfulfilling relationship.

Mario came to the Mushroom Kingdom to clean some pipes; they got them here like Philly's got cheese-steaks. Mario warps down plenty of them, but when does he tighten a gasket or adjust a flange? Plumbing is Mario's trade; he doesn't know the first thing about rescuing princesses. He does what any decent guy would do in this situation: jump, punch, and stomp his way through 32 stages of the most insane obstacles Bowser can muster and save that princess! Although, wouldn't you think it'd be inconvenient for Bowser to have a lake of molten lava and spinning fireballs in his living room? There's no doubt Bowser is trying to kidnap the princess, but there's plenty to say she isn't trying very hard to get away. Bowser can't be that smart. If he really didn't want Mario to come into his castle, he should just make a wall Mario can't jump over.

Every princess knows they have to play hard to get. And trust me, this one does. I still can't beat Super Mario Bros. Who does this stuck up floozy think she is, Princess Zelda? Being the sole female citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom, she's in high demand. Most of the men of the kingdom are less than four feet and wear mushrooms for hats, so Mario is a real Italian stallion by comparison. Although the short mustached plumber from Brooklyn can unclog the Princess' hairy drainpipes, she won't take him along to the Mushroom Kingdom Ball because he spilled spaghetti sauce all over the Prime Minister.

Princess Toadstool chooses to keep Mario guessing instead of settling down and knitting plunger cozies in the parlor all day. But what recognition does Mario even get when he finally does manage to rescue the poofy-sleeved princess? "Thank you Mario! Your quest is over. We present you with a new quest." Once the princess is returned to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario is no good to her. He already fixed all the royal plumbing, what else can a blue collar Italian of immigrant descent and a blonde monarch from the "Mushroom Kingdom" have in common? Like a middle aged couple trying to rekindle that lost spark, the Princess attempts to recreate the magic that brought them together by role-playing. The thrill of awaiting a heroic rescue (even by a chubster in red overalls) is all Princess Toadstool lives for anymore. But the thrill is brief, and Mario must return to World 1-1 to reenact another rescue. This kind of behavior is obviously unhealthy for him. How many lives does Mario usually lose in World 7? He wouldn't be losing any lives being a plain old plumber, but he likes being called Super Mario even if he's only playing a role in Princess Toadstool's fantasies.

Robbie & Bobby: Hot Doggin' It.

Baby Here and There: Baby in vogue.

Magic Lantern: La Dent Noir

Robbie and Bobby: Ghost Party

My 8-Bits: Paperboy helps literacy, accuracy

It's Monday Morning. You sit down at the breakfast table ready to enjoy a steamy bowl of oatmeal when suddenly a newspaper crashes through your window. "Honey, I thought we canceled our subscription." "We did, but that kid keeps throwing them anyway." "Well, I guess I can try to hit him on my way to work." "And I'll run after him with a butcher knife tomorrow morning." In Paperboy, it's your job to deliver the Daily Sun to the citizens of suburbia, whether they want it or not. This paperboy takes a certain pride in his job that only a mob boss could appreciate. He starts with a handful of optimistic subscribers and a sack full of papers. As long as he continues to make consistent deliveries, the customers continue to subscribe. But what does it take to get the other neighbors to subscribe? Pelting their houses with newspapers will give them the idea. Points are actually rewarded for vandalizing the homes of non-subscribers. Eventually, they give in and start paying for the papers they were getting for free. What kind of paper is the Daily Sun if the paperboy has to bully customers into subscribing? The news-reporting certainly isn't pulling in new readers. The fact he delivered the paper at all makes the front page. "Amazing paperboy delivers!" This should be a given since you just witnessed him fling the paper through the garage door window. What's really amazing about this paperboy is that nobody has pressed charges against him. The Daily Sun must've paid off the police chief, so it's up to the neighborhood to fight back against this yellow journalism. Housewives, break dancers, and even lawn jockeys unite to stop the bicycling menace. As he pedals down the sidewalk at top speed, you set your lawnmower into auto pilot hoping to send him crashing to the ground. He quickly launches a newspaper and the mower stops dead in its tracks. Just to add insult to injury, he smacks your dog with another one. Is there no justice in this world? As if your prays have been answered, a tornado whips up and you can't wait to see his bike become twisted metal. But he avoids this, too. Just when you think nothing can stop him, Death walks out from behind a hedge and stands with his sickle ready. The paperboy reaches for ammo, but his sack is empty. This is where the sidewalk ends. The neighbors rejoice and quietly bury his body under a tombstone in the yard of a non-subscriber as a sign to any other paperboys who come peddling by. The next morning you read the Daily Sun front page with a smile, "Paperboy calls it quits!" But how did the paper get delivered then? You run outside to see papers strewn on the lawns of your neighbors and a new paperboy peddling away. This game is far from over.

Baby Here and There: Baby in a nice pair of gams.